You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
Want to lock our bikes together?
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
You're my missing ingredient.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
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