“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
You're embarrassed by my dense pickup lines? OK, I won't continuum. I'll be more discrete.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
We are perfect balance for each other.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
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