What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
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