Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Believe in your elf.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
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