There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
"Stop and smell the rosé."
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
We have great chemis-tree.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
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