How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
I told you snow.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
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