What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
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