What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.

Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.

I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?

What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!

Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.

What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.

Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.

You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.

What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.

Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.

What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.

How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.

I'd love to see you s'more.

What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.

What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.

What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.

I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.

What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.

How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.

“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw

Witch fall flavor is your favorite?

Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.

I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.

Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.

Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.

"Have a hoppy Easter."

Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!

Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.

October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.

You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!

What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown

What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.

What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.

Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.

To get to the other tide.

Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.

Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.

If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.

What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."

I think I glove you.

How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.

Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.

If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.