How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
So … do you run here often?
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
Crowing, crowing, gone.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
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