It’s time to say Versailles to France.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
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