What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Everybody romaine calm.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
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