What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
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