What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Baby you make my telescope expand.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
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