What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
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