I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
I've only got three months to live.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
"Partners in wine."
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
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