“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
I would give anything to be your personal item.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
I “lub” you.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Bookworms take shelfies.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
I like you, you croc my world.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
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