Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
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