Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
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