“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Trowel and error.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
I Tour de Francy you.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
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