Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
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