There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
"Just one hot chick."
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
It’s worth a shot.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
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