“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
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