Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
This summer is going swimmingly.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
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