Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
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