Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Hello there, how do you brew?
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
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