What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
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