Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
Can I be Candide with you?
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
I scored when I met you.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
There’s no trick in these pants.
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