Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
You've really struck a gourd with me...
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
"Some bunny loves you."
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
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