What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
Funny meat-ing you here.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
I couldn't chair less!
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
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