I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
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