Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
Every piece of you is sweet.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Wish upon a starfish.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
You snow the drill.
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