Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
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