Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
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