Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Life is brew-tiful!
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Tropic like it's hot.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
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