What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
You are my raisin to smile.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
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