Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.

Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.

"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."

What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.

You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.

I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.

What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.

I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.

The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship

How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.

I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.

What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!

A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.

A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!

Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”

The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."

What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.

I think you’re incredi-bowl.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard

I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.

The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.

Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart

If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.

What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.

When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.

Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.

Don’t be elfish.

What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"

She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.

It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?

What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.

What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.

But wait—there’s myrrh.

"Do you play the trom-bone?"

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.