Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
You’re sweeter than fructose.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Writers have great climaxes.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
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