I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Everybody romaine calm.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Distill my beating heart.
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