"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
You really flipturn me on.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
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