Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
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