Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
If trees could kill you, they wood.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
As it snow happens.
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