What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger!
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
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