Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
These decorations are tree-mendous.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
We're donion rings.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
The calm before the score
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
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