You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
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