Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
Do you squat here often?
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Yoda one for me!
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
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