Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Ants in your plants.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Cutest clover in the patch.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
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