Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.

What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.

I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!

"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown

How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”

- Garry Shandling.

"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw

Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.

Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU

What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.

"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”

What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!

I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep

It’s snow joke.

I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.

Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.

To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.

Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.

What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.

What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.

They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.

I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.

Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!

Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.

What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.

What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!

It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.

I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"

Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?

Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.

What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.

What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch

My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.

“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker

I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.

Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!