The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
This is one spray-cation to remember.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
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