Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
You are spud-tacular.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
You're as hot as a desert summer.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
Where my prose at?
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
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