How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I’m kind of a big dill.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
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