“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
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