“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
I know Benjamin Franklin.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
Irish you were beer.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
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