After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Snow on and snow forth.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
You seem a little mer-mad.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
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