Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
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