“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
In the eyes of the lawn.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
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