I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
"Partners in wine."
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
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