Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!

How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.

Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.

Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.

That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”

- Mary Bly.

Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.

If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?

What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

First you got an alligator.

Next came a giraffe.

Lions ride your elevator,

bears hide in your bath.

Bunnies,

chimps,

(a duck?),

raccoons.....

run amok through all your rooms!

Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!

(Lycia Harding)

Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”

Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.

A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.

What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal

What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.

Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.

What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.

What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!

People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.

Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?

Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer

Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice

Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.

My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!

For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.

How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.

What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.

What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.

I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.

The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.

The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.

I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.

There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.

Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.

Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels

Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.

What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.