I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
I loaf you.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Go to BabaMail
