If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
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