It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Keep calm and leprech-on.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
Go to BabaMail
