What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
You mermaid to go far.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
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