Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
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