You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
I always have a souper time with you.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
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