If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.

My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”

Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault

It’s time to think outside the pizza box.

Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.

I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.

Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.

What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!

Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.

Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!

"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison

What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

All potato puns are pomme de terrible.

What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.

A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.

Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.

Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!

Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!

Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.

Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.

I've only got three months to live.

I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…

Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.

It was pretty foggy outside today.

I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.

Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.

Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.

What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.

Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.

I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.

“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown

Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust

Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp

"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.

What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle