What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Do you believe in love at first flight?
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
More candles means a bigger wish!
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
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