A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
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