I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
"No body won the skeleton race."
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Bookworms take shelfies.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
Your fragrance lights up my life.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
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