Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!

Dominic Pick-Up Lines

What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.

Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.

You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.

I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.

Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!

What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!

What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.

"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel

What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!

What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.

Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!

What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!

Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’

- Julie Anna Douglas

A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.

How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.

Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.

Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.

What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.

Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.

I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.

What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell

A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.

Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.

What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.

My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.

Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton

What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray

I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"

“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown

I only have ice for you.

What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear

What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.

Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.

I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.

I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.

What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.

Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”