My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Your treat or mine?
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
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